08 October 2007

My Superdate

I saw Harry Potter last Friday, not willingly mind you. And as I wasn't familiar with the series yet, I found it hard to follow at times. Read my field report for more details.

10/05-07/07; My Superdate; OutsiderXE
Warning: Contains Harry Potter 5 spoilers, strong language, is slightly directed towards the reader (you! but I wouldn't insult you if I wanted you to read it would I? At least I wouldn't admit it beforehand), references "My Superpowers" (just a little), and is 100%ly based on true events.

Faggy Potthead and the Order of the Kleenix
So, I was sitting at the computer at the WallStreet Institute, quietly minding my own business, thinking of no mischief (honest!), when all of a sudden a lady from the center's consultants' team jumped at me and asked me if I could play babysitter for the students who wanted to watch this movie about a gay englander leading an army of nerds against the forces of evil. So, there I was trying to look for a reason not to go, which was actually harder then I thought, since I actually applied for a job at that center, so I had to do something to get some points, meaning, crawl up people's asses, left with no choice but to see the devil in the eye (or a boring movie in the theatre).
Patiently awaiting the arrival of more students to join a lost cause, I was stuck with two chicks. Score you say? Wrong. A bunch of fourty to fifty year olds, all looking like female degenerations of Hairy Pisshead himself. In the cinema it did not look any better either, geekfest deluxe! I mean, I'm not saying I look any different than Horny Prickshit myself,

but at least I have got a nicer scar, and look at my face, I'm so cute! ...Anyway. Seeing thirty people of that sort felt like the depicted brats from the movie came to life to haunt me, telling me 'You...are...one...of...us! You are one of us!' Nooo!!! Back to the abyss you molebutts!
Thankfully I got to watch the movie for free, so I decided on spending my hard-earned 7 euros on popcorn and Sprite ('Sprite' is a registered trade mark of The Coca-Cola Company', drink more Sprite!) At least I would have some distractions along with calling imaginary friends from my mobile while the movie was playing. And playing it was, for a looong time. 138 minutes! Jeez, why do you have to punish me lord? I thought my superpowers (you know, the one with the ESP and the mental illness) were already curse enough.

Trailers starting
Usually quite reliable I couldn't distinguish one single movie that got me interested, though there was a movie about child abduction, I think its name was 'Welcome to America'. I guess that tells a lot about our oversea-neighbors, doesn't it? But I understand that hate in some way. Greece (yep, it's a country and you can find it on the map of Europe, between Italy and Turkey) was big too, some five billion years ago, and it's just normal that a nation just developes two directions of extremities and shows more and more of them the bigger it gets, until one side gets angry at the other and all of it finally explodes. Only two things in life are certain: death and the thing about countries exploding that I just mentioned. Thus said, before I become all serious and politically angled I will return to my Potter-bashing. As I wrote, the trailers sucked, but it's understandable that they couldn't show something decent if the main movie was rated for retarded, minus-four year old hippos. But wait, what was that in front of me? Dude! Two lesbian chicks making out in the front row! It didn't matter that much that they were buttugly and surely underaged (maybe they were also fourty year old chicks, degenerated in their own twisted way, probably sisters.), at least now I had something to watch! Hugging, patting, kissing, they were really going at it, definetly trying to make their own movie.

Movie starting (Nooo!!!)
Begging to no avail we had not entered the wrong theatre, so I had to watch this god-forsaken movie (Did I mention there were two lesbians making out in the front row?). First thing I gotta see is Pisspott Harry whining because he was getting bullied by a giant baby (not a baby-giant, mind you.). Rightly I say. A short while later he defends the bully against some creatures, looking like unwashed ghosts. But because the use of magic is forbidden until Blowfish Dipshit (pardon me, I meant the guy with the glasses) has reached his 17th birthday he is ordered to appear in court so the judges decide whether he should be expelled from school or not. Personally I would say they should have expelled him, not that I am against self-defense in life-threatening situations, it's just that kids watching the movie might get the wrong idea and think there is nothing else you can do but act by violence when having an argument with somebody. But apparently, all my pleas in vain, Gandalf-look-alike-contest winner Professor Dumdidum, who obviously likes molesting little children, makes a point and helps his 'number one' get into good grades with the judges.
This part of the movie I missed, going to take a leak and wondering why it's always black people posing as toilet-security, begging for some spare change. I should probably annoy... I mean, politely ask one of my racially diverse indoctrinators (I never use the phrase 'colored person', sounds too racist), what the deal is.
Getting back to the movie they had this grand feast with all the wusses eating every kind of food England is famous for. Ham and ... well, no fish and chips at the table. Gandalf's brother was therewhile introducing the students to the new teachers when he got interrupted by one of them, Dolores Whateverbridge. Picture the Queen of England, as a kind of teacher who always puts on a happy face and there's nothing more you want to do than rub it out of her. At least that's where I seem to agree with the movie's students. And she is really becoming a bitch throughout the movie, punishing them in grotesque ways, kicking out her colleagues and creating new rules for the school. (Yes, lesbos, go, go, go!) As Faggy Harry seems to be overwhelmed by what look like visions of his archnemesis Lord Volldermord (rough translation from german to english: Lord Whatamurder. I am sure the writer felt the need to put in a german villain to scare the masses, worked in all the WWII movies, didn't it?) he forms the special Order of the Kleenix with his boyfriend Heymine and the transsexual Dork to help other male students get in touch with their feminine side, and learn some magic tricks to fight the evil bastard along the way. Of course, Queen Whateverbridge, having become the new Headmaster of the school, is not amused (despite the Botox making her look like it), knowing that something fishy (no chips yet) is going on in her halls. Gandalf's cousin's father's sister's stepson then steps in and takes all the blame, which makes him look very retarded, or better yet, redundant. The Queen, still not amused, takes it all out on her students, having learnt about a secret weapon, tries to squeeze the information of its whereabouts out of little Not-so-hairy Otter. His boyfriend Haymine helps him by promising the Queen to guide her to the secret weapon, which of course, is a fraud. There is nothing at the place except for centaurs and a giant hobo who bring The Queen to their camp to rape her until the end of days.
This was the part where I was thinking? Wait a second! You have got bone-horses with wings, paper that can talk, ghosts that look like bums, centaurs, giant hobos, little dwarves, gay wizards, lesbian spectators, houses that can fold. Seriously, I had problems understanding the franchise at times. Where are the limits? At least 'Star Wars' and 'Lord of the Rings' were set in their own universe with its own rules, but having all these crazy things in a movie that is supposed to be playing on our planet makes it very ridiculous. For that reason, and the great amount of children in lead roles (same problems as the movie Narnia) I just could not enjoy the movie. So, good thing I bought this one litre bottle of Sprite ('Sprite' is a registered trade mark of The Coca-Cola Company', drink more Sprite!). Combined with by leak-problem I had the perfect excuse to step out of the theatre, yet again. I was taking my time, looking for somebody to talk to outside the theatre, but there was no one, probably all dead inside the theatre. Causes of death were probably suicide, brain damage, or zombification, I was afraid of going inside again.
Anyway, I picked up my cojones and entered the hall of the geeks again, fortunately no undead Potternerd jumped at me so I just assumed that they were fast asleep, just in time for the what the geeks would be calling a grand finale. But just compare the battle with something like 'Lord of the Rings - Return of the King': There you had thousands of orcs, trolls, dragons and their likes with massive siege weapons trying to break through the last defenders of the free world standing on the massive walls of their fortified base. The battle was longer than fourty minutes and left you wanting more, in a positive way. Now look at the Order of the Kleenix, a bunch of nerdie wizards and witches fighting off their kin in underground tunnels, too afraid to show their faces in the sun in fear of having their blains burst. Weapons? Babywands combined with spells that don't sound more complicated than 'Abracadabra' (God, I love these lesbians). Even the awful Narnia had a lot more to offer. So what happened in the end? Potthead's godfather died (one of the few half-acceptable guys I must admit), Gandalf-look-alike beat Volldermord, Volldermord possesed Potthead, Potthead called Gandalf-look-alike a fag, Potthead returned to his foster home to be bullied again for a whole summer. End.
I left the theatre with mixed feelings. On the one hand I had to pee again because of the one litre Sprite ('Sprite' is a registered trade mark of The Coca-Cola Company', drink more Sprite!) I had, on the other hand I was sorry that the lesbian-show I so thoroughly enjoyed was over. But you can't expect more for four bucks, can you? Anyway (yet again), I wanted to thank my benefactors from WSI for paying for the show, I thank my teachers for teaching me English instead of manners, and I thank my bladder for being there for me when I needed it most.
p.s. I know I was in charge of both chicks that I accompanied in the name of WSI, but somehow I lost one of them after we had all gone to the toilet to have some fun. Sorry about that. But have no fear, I believe we will see her at the 'Harry Potter and the Snuffcloudprince'-opening festival (not me though!).

(1909 words)


Post a Comment